True story: The first time I got drunk was during my freshman year of college. While I was inebriated, I sent an email to the entire school, which included, among other things, the lyrics to “The Super Bowl Shuffle” and a false claim that I had defeated the computer Deep Blue in a chess game. The moral of the story? Always drink responsibly!
Now, without further ado, I proudly present the unerring, unredacted, and 100% correct L.A. Times Domestic Beer Power Rankings. For this ranking, I have sampled and judged a wide selection of popular domestic beers. I am certainly not implying that any of the beers listed below are “watery” or “swill” or “bad” in any sense. However, I’ll just say that the $22 Ironfire Outcast Dead Imperial Red Ale you like so much will not be found in this article.
I ranked the beers based on two key qualities: 1) taste and 2) chuggability, a highly scientific metric I devised to measure how easily a given brew goes down the hatch, like a refreshing mountain stream tickling your esophagus. So, let's dive into the rankings!
Top Domestic Beer Rankings
1) Miller High Life
Miller High Life, often referred to as the "Champagne of Beers," is hard to argue against. With its elegantly sloped neck resembling that of a champagne bottle, and occasionally adorned with gold foil, it’s regarded as one of the finest American beers. This beer embodies luxury, affluence, and effervescence.
The flavor profile of Miller High Life is delightful, with a bouquet that tastes pleasingly of apple juice and Corn Nuts. It's light and sweet, with just a hint of toffee, making it highly drinkable, and surprisingly skunk-free given its clear glass bottle. The availability of squat little 7-ounce ponies for lightweights is an added bonus!
Chuggability ranking: 6
2) Bud Light
Bud Light is another contender that could easily have taken the number one spot in this ranking. It’s clean, crisp, and perfect for hot-weather consumption, with a flavor reminiscent of slightly alcoholic cream soda. Sales-wise, Bud Light crushes every other beer in America, shipping around 33 million barrels in 2017, which is double that of Coors Light.
On a personal note, I also enjoy Spuds MacKenzie, the iconic sunglasses-wearing, skateboarding bull terrier from the 1980s Bud Light commercials, but that wasn't enough to elevate this beer to first place.
Chuggability ranking: 7
3) Rolling Rock
The deep green glass of the Rolling Rock bottle gives off a welcoming vibe, evoking feelings of comfort and nostalgia. This malty beer has a clean and smooth finish, with flavors hinting at a general toasted-ness. To enjoy it best, make sure it’s served very cold.
Chuggability ranking: 12
4) Yuengling
As the oldest brewery in the United States, established in 1829, Yuengling offers a flavor that is a bit sweet with a slight lingering bitterness. This beer is somewhat difficult to find on the West Coast, but its local feel makes it unique.
Chuggability ranking: 11
5) Bud Light Lime
Admittedly, I have a soft spot for Bud Light Lime. It stands out as one of the best beach beers, providing a refreshing taste that doesn’t resemble a cleaning product at all. However, would you order it in a bar? Probably not!
Chuggability ranking: 15
Additional Notable Beers
6) Coors Banquet
Coors Banquet embraces the rugged Rocky Mountain aesthetic. The beer has a malty-sweet flavor with a slightly sour finish. It's a great choice for those who appreciate a classic American beer experience.
Chuggability ranking: 14
7) Budweiser
Budweiser is steeped in American culture with its iconic Clydesdales and Beechwood aging process. While it’s a little malty and sweet, it’s heavier than one might expect.
Chuggability ranking: 17
8) Michelob Ultra
Michelob Ultra is often likened to cotton candy in liquid form. It has a very subtle flavor, making it go down incredibly easy.
Chuggability ranking: 2
9) Pabst Blue Ribbon
Pabst Blue Ribbon has developed a reputation as a "hipster beer," though its actual flavor is more flat, nutty, and slightly sour. It remains drinkable, but not particularly remarkable.
Chuggability ranking: 10
10) Busch
Busch beer offers a nostalgic experience reminiscent of cowboy commercials. Its oaty flavor and slight mineral aftertaste make it an interesting choice.
Chuggability ranking: 13
Final Thoughts
In conclusion, the world of domestic beers is vast and varied, with each variety offering its unique taste and experience. Whether you prefer the sophisticated notes of Miller High Life or the refreshing simplicity of Bud Light Lime, there’s a beer for every palate. Just remember to enjoy responsibly!
